Saturday, 18 December 2010


Bobby Mooore 1964


The Story of SoftyBoy 1977

Far-king West Am won the far-king Word Cup mate, Moore, Peters, Hurst, far-king West Am won the far-king Word Cup not far-king England.

At first his nickname was CockneyBoy but after a while he got SoftyBoy or just Softy.  He hated the nickname, when he was walking around the barracks if any of 13 or 5 squadron wankers called him SoftyBoy he would crack them over the head & say, far-ing call me far-king SoftyBoy one more far-king time and I’ll stove ya far-king head in.

But like all nicknames that are not liked in the British Army it stuck.  SoftyBoy had been a profession wrestler before he joined the Army, he told us he had been trained by Mick McManus, which was a laugh because we would say to him, could ya not have picked some cool fucker like Kendo Nagasaki to train ya, instead of that wanker Mick McManus.




Far-cough & colds take Aspirin


The idea around the barracks was that Softy had one of those reverse Army nicknames, like the short arsed bastard gets Lofty and the big bastard gets Tiny.  We would have big fights with fascist German coppers and often we would all be laughing our tits off for one thing or another but often given an opportunity Softy would spit on his knuckles before knocking some bastard out.  He knocked out everyone I ever saw him punch and he sparked out many a German copper in those days, so that was why everyone thought he was given the nickname.  But the Top Boys knew the real reason for his nickname. 

Ha-ha-ha, he couldn’t get a hard-on.

Am far-king sick ah haven’t ad a wank for far-king munths


Why don’t ye go down the town and get a prozzy ta suck ya nob for ya?


That’s a waste ov far-king time she’d be shucking it all far-king night and ah still wouldn’t get an ard-on


I let it play out for a while because it was a good laugh but then I thought I would put him out of his misary and I told him of a technique I developed after listening to stories about how the woman workforce of the Ropery in Sunderland would initiate young boys.

Here Softy

What the fark is that?

What’s it look like?

What the fark is that for?

Just wrap it round ya nob a few times and you’ll get a right hard on


It’s right

Does it work?

Why aye it works

Here Softy, up and down up and down till it’s clean and sparkling


Farking give us the bar-stard here

While he went off to the bogs we sat about read newspapers and the like and everything was quite until there was a huge cry coming from the corridor.  It was Softy, arms held above his head screaming at the top of his voice, av ad a wank, av ad a wank, av ad a wank.


So Ladies:

If he has an empty cup

Coz he has had to much ta sup

Give him an elastic band

And it will cure his brewers droop


Any cheapsake wants to sell elastic bands as a sex aid should see me


Like the British Army

Be safe

Rather than sorry

©Geordie Gardiner


What do you know?

BBC - How to Fire an Elastic Band – (For the Stag Party)


Ha-Ha-Ha &


No comments:

Post a Comment