Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Squaddie & Smarty Pants 01

(Click on the OLD POSTS/Link the the bottom of the page to read other posts)

Over the years I have often been posed the same question, in fact it is a fairly common question so I would guess that many of those reading this are likely to also have been asked the same question.  Generally speaking most of those asking the question have been conscientious objectors, atheist or fascists.

The last time I was asked the question by the idiot I refer to as Smarty Pants.

The question:

During the war Germany was a Christian nation and so were the people of this country, (they then smugly ask) which side was God on?

Well we did win daft arse.

But does that mean God was not on the side of the German Christians?

Well of course it does silly fucker.

How can you say that?

It’s fucking easy, ye just open your mouth and say the words, get back ta playschool if ye haven’t learnt how to speak yet daft arse.

That’s not an answer!

Have you read Mein Kampf?

I wouldn’t read it.

Well that’s why ye head is fucking empty, all ye read is fucking football books and then ye throw ye slogans at me as if ye know what ye talking about and ye know fuck all.  Ye can download the shit on the Internet.

Have you read it?

Not all the way through but you can get it in a number of different formats such as PDF files and Word documents.  I downloaded it and then clicked Find in Word and typed the word Christ.

Why did ye do that?

Did ye always butt in when you were at school when the teacher was speaking to you?


Well shut ye fucking mouth and ye might learn something.  Type in the word Christ and you will also get the word Christian, find all the words and highlight them in red.

Why would I want to do that?

Will you shut the fuck up.  After that do the same with the words God and Jesus.

But I am not a Christian why would I want to do that.

You are a silly fucker did you not want to find out, oh just a little while back, which side God was on.

What has this got to do with it.

Look wanker, I am getting sick of your “Is property theft?” type question.  Just shut ye fucking gob and ye might learn something.  Now then out of all the political publication I have read Mein Kampf refers to Christianity more than any other I have ever seen.

Hitler was a Christian.

Was he fuck.

I have seen photographs of him walking out of church.

Look ye stupid Liverpool Glory Supporting Wanker if I had a photograph of you walking out of The Stadium of Light would that mean you were a Sunderland supporter?



But you cannot prove he wasn’t.

Oh yes yes I fucking can if ye just shut ye trap for a minute.

Do you have ta swear so much?

Do you sit down for a piss?


Yes you do ye wanker.

What’s that got ta do with anything.

I try not to swear in front of woman and if you have a duel identity and happen to sit down for a piss then I apologise but if not ye can get fucked.

(Sitting for a while in silence while drinking in the Lambton)

A little later:

You cannot prove that God was on the side of English Christians and not the German Christians.

The word is British silly fucker.

No it’s not I am taking about the English.

Aye you might think you are but there is no such thing as the English Army.

So what is it then?

It’s the British Army tosser, I served with enough Jocks to know it’s not not the English Army, it’s the British Army.

Your just being pedantic.

Wanker, don’t worry ye not alone, I can assure you you are not the only silly fucker on streets.

(Sitting for a while in silence while drinking in the Lambton)

A little later:

I knew you would not be able to explain about God not being on the side of the German Christians.

Well that’s another thing ye wrong about.

But you couldn’t explain.

I have a good mind ta knock the rest of ye fucking teeth out.

Do you have to be so violent?

Do you have to be so thick?

Away then if ye think ye can do it, do it.

Are you going to keep butting in?
Well are you?
Is that such a hard question?

Go on then, go on.

Now should you go through the process I have already explained.

Which was what?

How ta stick an electric prong up ye arse ta make ye hair curl like Kevin Keegan.

(Sitting for a while in silence while drinking in the Lambton)

A little later:

Kevin Keegan was my hero I always followed him.



Well how the fuck do end off supporting Liverpool?

What do ye mean?

Well if ye always followed him ye should be a Scunthorpe United supporter.

Five times, Five times, Five times.

Well I am not a Man United supporter but I pray they win it 6ix times just ta keep your fucking mouth shut.

(Sitting for a while in silence while drinking in the Lambton)

A little later:

So how do ye know Hitler wasn’t a Christian?

The kitchen maid told me.

Oh aye and what did she say?

She said it was a crap job.


In her previous job she had nice meals but she got sick of all the cabbage you veggies eat.

Hitler was a Christian.

How do you know?

I think someone told me once.

And with your attention span he must have just said, Hilter was a Christian and I suppose that was it was it.

Well yeah.

Well wanker pretend ye God,  Hitler was into the occult, most of the top brass of the Third Reich were Satanists.  So the evil bastard could not have been a Christian and he hoodwinked the German Christians into thinking he was some sort of Messiah.  There ye go God was on our side so fuck off.

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